Recording

"Synopsis, I am a boy, who for the last three or four years has been caught in an undergoing challenge. My life has no meaning anymore. I will be with my father after this recording is made. Finally i will see his face once more. I love you. I feel as if i have failed all of you.. so im sorry. I know what im about to do wont stop the pain, but deflect if onto the ones i love, but need i must tell you, This will make me happy.  Shelby, you are the most beautiful girl in the world, dont let anyone stomp all over you, including any boy you fall for. Dont let your lack of smarts get in the way. Fight for whatever you want, and stay strong. 
Kayla; You are more gorgeous then the sun set behind the Colorado mountains, and let me tell you, That shits beautiful. Dont be so hidden in that shell of yours, and have a little trust. Dont let education take the better of you, Your still smart, No matter what they say. 
Jaydenn; You are the greatest thing that has ever happend to me. I regret so many things ive said to you. And all the hurt ive pressured on your heart. Im sorry i have never found the words to describe how i feel for you.. And im sorry. 
My life is a giant hole of dog shit. I have fought for too long.. and I have reached the end of what I have to give." The recorder clicks off, and he drags on his smoke.

My children will do it differently.

I hope the future generation will not make the mistakes I've made. I am still young, and there is mountains upon mountains of things to regret. Every gram ive smoked, every cigarette, every pill ive popped, I regret it all. But I understand that, that is how you get crazy. Get so fucked up you dont know what your doing. You forget everything wrong in your life.

That is, if they have a problem, and want to result in suicide, then ill tell them to take the white masuratie, and to make every mistake ive made.

I am a flame.

 My innards eat me alive unhurriedly  as the day progresses.  Everything is a worry. My stress heightens  with every word said. I feel distant from myself. Without the ones I love around me, I explode. My emotions are a blaze, a fire I cant put out. I am burning alive and I can feel it. Ive wasted all my time trying. This parasite is one that attaches without concern for the host, an like most, this parasite is one that harms. What is the point of trying when all is lost, and all will never return? I will give up. God wont save me, I am not his child. I am property of the devils, burning in his awake. Like a combustion, I will devour everything I come in contact with. I don't want to be noticed my anyone or anything. My only way out is if I hide my enigma. I cant battle and struggle for much longer. I need help.

Fuck

How do you trust the people of your present, When the people from your past had betrayed you? I thought about it to myself while sitting at her house. The green chair was filled with cat hair, but i sat my black clothing on it anyways. The question has been haunting me for so long. I dont know what to do. They dont know how fucking scared i am of this. Everyone like me has been through the same thing. I cant have a chance to been seen the way i want to, because people like them wont let me. I took all the effort in me and got up, making sure my wrist was covered. I went into the bathroom, and stared back at my past. I hated every second of it.

Happiness comes is all forms.

I stepped out of the bedroom, with sore eyes and heavy shoulders. The thought of everyone finding out my secret was close to becoming a reality. So diligent, I tried my hardest to keep it in for as long as I could. Fear, every mans enemy, was my way out. I would smash the scumed faces of the lie spreading demons onto the solid pavement. Oh how I wish my arms were bigger, so I could. Every thought is filled with anguish and darkness, if only I could grow stronger.


The ones I loved betrayed me many times. So I love no one. My secret isnt a secret that goes away, it sticks for the rest of life. Even so, I still managed to make friends, a lover, a pet, the hole circus. I was not happy though all I wanted was a reality. For the most part.

The days haunt me like there is no ending. It came to the point where I started thinking thoughts that should never be thought of.

"I am sick and tired of everything", I cant help but think, as my wife leaves the house with a bang. There is no explanation for her anger. Maybe its because i haven't spoken a word to her, and every time she asked, I would turn my head the other direction. I was alone with the house, the white walls screamed at me, and the floor boards moved in the opposite direction every time i would try to walk somewhere. The Victorian was beautiful, clean and the perfect house to grow a family. I wanted none of the sort.  I didn't care if it was ugly, messy, and small. Everywhere just felt the same.

I stepped in front of the mirror, and looked deep into myself. I began to cry, as the anger Ive kept in me for years was starting to overflow. I was about to break, and the most terrifying part, was i knew i couldn't stop it.

I brushed my blond hair away from my forehead, and I stood stunned at the masterpiece i created. It was my way out. The simple yet horrific sculpture of a stool and a rope stood before me. I inched my way closer and closer to my fate. I felt no hesitation, and no second thought ever crossed my mind. This is what I had to do.  I stepped on the stool, and latched the rope around my neck. Threw the goodbye letter with only 3 words, on to the ground. Those words were for my wife, my mother, father, brother, and best friend. I kicked the stool away from me and I was happy for the first time.

Boats and hoes

Today was Interesting. Another day in the dust. While em boats and hoes just keep on smiling. I dont know exactly why i feel this way, well i do, but still. It hurts having to think about it every second of ever day, and today, no one would shut up about it.

This just so happens to be my new vagina orchid. The online version of course. I cant show my paintings, or my  photographs on this site. So the online vagina orchid it is.

My cat wont let me go to sleep, Everyday its a new battle to close my eyes and drift off. Neko just jumps on everything (including my face) and plays with the loudest things imaginable. Sometimes i just want to fucking rip his damn throat out, but in the end, i know i love him.. sometimes.

I dont exactly know what to blog about, so this is it. My first blog.



-Amen Mother Fuckers.